Big Brown Toad

I was quietly on my way back from my nightly rummaging for slugs and horror of horrors, terror of terrors, suddenly I am bathed in bright sunshine, even though I know it's the middle of the night. Of course, then I realise, it's that sad human race again and their weird inventions - they call it electricity, they call it PIR detection light, placed strategically high on their bricky dwelling's wall above me. Silly of me to forget, but it's been months since they lit me up with night time sunshine.

I play dead and then I remember that I was in the middle of a lovely one-legged stretch as is my custom when returning, full-stomached on slugs. That did not look good. Nobody dies mid-stretch I was thinking.

Suddenly I was able to read the thoughts of this human and I suspect he was reading my thoughts too. It happens you know ... He was thinking about my words to myself about nobody dies mid-stretch - and he was pulling a wry grin as he thought to himself - I reckon I might die mid-stretch ... he had some weird shoulder thing wrong with him. It was very obvious the way he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame - all one-sided. - And apparently one of his regular 'catastrophies' in the middle of the night when previously asleep - he would half-consciously stretch his bad left arm and suddenly the whole left shoulder leapt into spasm and he jumped upright in colossal pain. I felt his pain actually. Poor human. So the start of our brief relationship was good, very good; I felt sorry for him.

That was why I let him think that I liked him - sitting with my one leg outstretched, motionless, apart from my uncontrollable puffing-up (I have tried for years to stop it happening when my mind says - no threat - but my body and instinct says - look big, bold, bossy and belligerent - especially to stupid humans). So, yes, repeatedly he stroked my back - what a weirdo - I let him - he thought I was his mate - well I was a bit I suppose.

Anyway as soon as he stopped and the sunshine turned off - under cover of darkness I hopped away and when he looked again with the sunshine back on, I was gone. I wasn't of course ... I live under that strip of ply-board that the stupid human has lying against the wall nearby where, in his stupid mind, he says to himself - I'll put that up sometime to cover the thin gap between the brick wall and the ghastly garage roof supports. He never will do it, I know, so it makes a nice dry home for me.

I will return one day; so will the stupid human.