Is there any point?

Uphill struggle?

I'm at a crossroads ... again.


Do I stick with the writers' group that I attend or abandon it?

Why am I asking this question?

For all I know I may well give a link to my blog (hence this post and all the others will be known) to my compatriots at the writers' group so anything written here may be awkward for me ... but then when has that ever bothered me enough not to do it - I ask?

So here's the problem, and I freely admit that maybe it's me that's the problem, but every fortnight that goes by at The Sutton on Sea Writers' Group (known as Wordsmiths) I wonder what I am doing there, or perhaps better to say, I wonder what benefit there is to me (or even to them from me). They are nice people and I (as I ever do) enjoy what little social aspects there are; that being very little indeed. We chat halfway through for about ten or fifteen minutes over a tea or coffee that still, after a few months, I have no idea if I should be contributing to its cost (but I never have). I feel an outsider, but then that feeling is a common feeling - I felt the same at Louth Poetry & Creative Writing Group - so - perhaps that's my problem but I distinctly feel that unless I speak, no one would ever speak directly to me or ask anything of me. I make something of a point, always, of asking how everyone and anyone is, but I hardly ever recall anyone reciprocating, although last time one member did have a few words about my frozen shoulder. I don't recall ever being asked to read out any work and the only time it has ever happened, it is because I have had difficulty producing 'in class' work and then not being invited to read it out when often others are - so I burst out with words like "may I read mine?".

I was thinking how much more confident and calm I have become over reading my work; so much more expressive, well-paced and calmly and confidently delivered. I really feel it is so much better than the reading out by others which is often monotonous, lifeless and sometimes hesitant. Nobody likes a 'smart arse' I am thinking - but the previous sentences were truthful representations in my mind.

It has been a gradual conclusion by all members, I assume, - not just me - that there is pretty much always no 'in class' feedback on work (or, actually, any feedback whatsoever) that is produced in what our leader Suzanne calls "free writing". We have all got used to that term that I had never heard before I attended the group. She means by that term - writing about any subject ad lib and freely (usually for about 20/25 minutes).

So, here I am, after many months, still thinking what is the point of writing anything that no one ever reviews? I am keen to be as fair as possible in these ramblings and say that whenever I have quizzed our leader about what I'll call the format or the rules she has said there is nothing to stop us emailing each other or printing work and getting a peer review - but it seems to me that no one does that. Certainly no one has ever emailed me in that context and we all have access to each other's email addresses.

I really do find myself wondering if our leader is paid anything to lead us. It is never discussed and no one asks. To my mind it would make a difference knowing - meaning that I (maybe others too) always feel somewhat burdened and almost indebted that she leaves me with the feeling that she works for free (whether that is generated or just my take on it). However, a few days ago, at the suggestion of a member, I believe, rather than the leader, a trip to the theatre was organised (Louth Riverhead Theatre) and, interestingly although at first we were advised of the (low) cost being £5 each, we were then almost fleetingly told - it can be free as there is a budget. Wow! - That rather suggests in my mind that this group may have funding and that that may include a payment for our leader - nothing wrong with that. The thing is - if we are led by a volunteer leader one feels an obligation of some loyalty and almost beholding, whatever the standards of 'instruction' are - good, bad or indifferent. If, however, she is paid a fee, well that puts a different perspective on things in that one might look more closely at whether we got value for money ... yes I know that that is a ridiculous statement as we pay nothing - so yes I see why you may be laughing, dear lonely little reader. I actually have said on many occasions - and no comment came back from anyone - something along the lines of - I always feel guilty that you are doing this job for love - so to speak. Suzanne has never reacted to that - perhaps therefore she is a volunteer - but then maybe not. Of course, if she is paid - the funders ought to be seeking value for money but if it involves a Council (or Councillor's budget) I doubt anyone monitors anything much - cynic that I am where Councils are concerned.

I think that I might try a little experiment by seeing what happens if I email someone to review my work. I'll do that before taking any further action. If that leads nowhere - I will revisit the question - what is the point of this group (if no reviewing of work is easily undertaken)?

There is also a second Sutton-on-Sea Writers' group called, I think, Rabbiting Writers and I was told that they are less serious about writing and more a social group - that might be worth attending to see what it is like.

My wife thinks I am bonkers attending any writers' group - she (and I guess she's right) says just get on and write!